Roles have reversed. I’m no longer in that position I was in years ago, when I had only sms and the phone to communicate with husband … now he sleeps in my bed nightly, and when I want to talk to T, I have … texting, and the phone.

It means we end up talking about all sorts of things. Long, meandering talks that don’t stick to sex and our relationship. We don’t even stick to topics we’re both familiar with. Hoursandhoursandhours on the phone … just sharing little bits and pieces of what’s in our heads.

There’s something wonderfully intimate about whispering at each other in the dark, even if we don’t have the same bedding tangled around us. I think it’s knowing that no matter what we talk about, or what fork the meandering conversation takes, the other is listening and interested and so very intent on what you’re saying, that it doesn’t matter it’s mostly you not making sense.

I like this love, that has become comfortable, well worn, familiar and casually easy. This love was built on bedrock. I do not fool around when I build relationships. If the foundation is not solid, I don’t build much there. It’s why I find it so hard to relate to people who don’t want to share who they are. I have no reason to trust them, so I don’t.

The trust is the opposite with my loves. The fantasies we share are indicative of this. None of our fantasies are to be approached lightly in real life. Sometimes the current of want runs deeper than the fantasy itself and deserves exploring and teasing apart. With T and I spending so much time sharing fantasies, this comes up more often than it used to.

There’s a few fantasies in specific we have discussed but I won’t share them all right here right now. The one I do want to share is simple on its face and will be complicated in its execution but I think we will manage to realize it. We want to live together again.

I have talked to the husband about it and he’s on board. I don’t think it’d ever be a three-people-to-a-bed scenario, actually, the one that T mentioned was a house with a suite. It’d be ideal. Both husband and T do best when they have their own space, and there would be space enough that nobody would have to be crowded. It is a wonderful fantasy that brings about many feelings of happiness and warmth and security.

Knowing how lovely that would feel (and recognizing how many years it’s been of me loving my T) is what’s precipitated a decision to commit a little more seriously to this as an honest-to-gods relationship. The last time anything truly relationship-jarring happened, it turned out to be not-so-true. We thought it wasn’t right, we thought this was a casual enough thing that it could be given up easily. I think he’s the better person to write about why that is and I look forward to reading it if he does. I just know that right now, I don’t know how I could have ever been so short sighted as to tell myself that and think I would believe it. It’s the past now, though, and I’m far more interested in the future. I should definitely start acting like I actually think it’s going to happen.

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